"Everything will happen as was written by the Lord. There are moments when tribulations occur in our lives and we cannot avoid them. But they are for some reason. What reason? That is a question we cannot answer before, or ever during, the trials. Only when we have overcome them do we understand why they were there."
"Place your soul outside yourself, understand that you are better and wiser than you believe. Speak to yourself, find the thoughts that had never entered your head. Put the greater part of your soul into your work, and this part will answer you."
From Paulo Coelho's "The Fifth Mountain"
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Sunday, April 20, 2008
ambition? fast-track?
why are we in such a rush to move forward in life like it's a race, as if there is a destination whose time and place is confirmed? we are we so reluctant to take on the unexpected, the unstructured and just LIVE?
Monday, March 3, 2008
January 28, 2008
This was the morning that I was heading back home. I got all packed up and then uncle and his wife took me to the airport. Uncle wanted to give me one of his many bikes so that I don’t have to rent them in Strasbourg, but unfortunately the train won’t let you take bikes on board unless you make arrangements for them earlier. I said goodbye to uncle and his wife at the train station, and thanked them for the pleasant experience. I really had a good time. And then I set off to return back home to Strasbourg...
I passed the time on the train reading Paulo Coelho and doing a lot of thinking. I read a short story of his about a character named Manuel. Reading this really got me thinking about many things. Below are some important parts of that story:
“Manuel needs to be busy. If he is not, he thinks that his life has no meaning, that he’s wasting his time, that society no longer needs him, that no one loves or wants him”. After reading about his long, busy day... “That night, Manuel has a dream. An angel asks him, ‘Why are you doing this?’ He replies that it’s because he is a responsible man. The angel goes on, ‘Would you be capable of taking at least fifteen minutes of your day to stop and look at the world, and at yourself, and simply do nothing?’ Manuel says that he would love to do that, but he doesn’t have time. ‘You’re lying to me,’ says the angel. ‘Everyone has time to do that. It’s just that they don’t have the courage. Work is a blessing when it helps us to think about what we’re doing; but it becomes a curse when its sole use is to stop us thinking about the meaning of our life.’
Manuel wakes up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. Courage? How can a man who sacrifices himself for his family not have the courage to stop for fifteen minutes a day? It’s best to go back to sleep. It was just a dream; these questions will get him nowhere; and tomorrow he’s going to be very, very busy.
Thirty years later, Manuel retires and finally gets all the free time he’s wanted all his life.
“Manuel has time, all the time in the world. He travels...he visits museums...he takes hundreds and thousands of photos and sends them to his friends – after all, they need to know how happy he is...In a moment of genuine reflection, he discovers that all he saw on his journeys was the landscape outside the tourist bus, and monuments which are now preserved in various 6 x 9 photos. But the truth is, he did not feel any real excitement – he was more concerned with telling his friends about it than with actually experiencing the magic of being in a foreign country.”
There is another reflection the Coelho writes about, where one day he finished everything he had to do early and was left with absolutely nothing to do.
“I feel uneasy. Shouldn’t I be doing something? Well, if I wanted to invent work, that wouldn’t take much effort. We all have projects to develop, light bulbs to change, leaves to sweep, books to put away, computer files to organize. But how about just facing up to the void? ... I sit down and start making a mental list of what is going on through my head:
a) I’m useless. Everyone else at that moment is busy, working hard.
Answer: I work hard too, sometimes twelve hours a day. Today I just happen to have nothing to do.
b) I have no friends. Here I am, one of the most famous writers in the world, and I’m all alone; even the phone doesn’t ring.
Answer: Of course I have friends, but they respect my need for solitude.
c) I need to go buy some glue. Yes, I just remembered that yesterday I ran out of glue. Why not jump in the car and go to the nearest town? And I stop at that thought. Why is it so difficult to stay as I am now, doing nothing?
A series of thoughts cross my mind: friends who worry about things that haven’t yet happened; acquaintances who manage to fill every minute of their lives with tasks that seem to me absurd; senseless conversations; long telephone calls in which nothing of any importance is ever said; bosses who invent work in order to justify their jobs; officials who feel afraid because they have been given nothing important to do that day, which might mean that they are no longer useful; mothers who torment themselves because their children have gone out for the evening; students who torment themselves over their studies, over tests and exams.
I have a long, hard struggle with myself not to get up and go to the stationery shop to buy that glue. I experience terrible feelings of anxiety, but I am determined to stay here doing nothing, at least for a few hours. Gradually, the anxiety gives way to contemplation, and I start to listen to my soul. It has been longing to speak to me, but I’m always too busy.
The wind is still blowing very hard, and I know that it’s cold and rainy, and that tomorrow I might perhaps need to buy some glue. I’m not doing anything, and yet I’m also doing the most important thing a man can do: I’m listening to what I needed to hear from myself."
First, I will reflect on the whole issue of keeping oneself busy all the time. I connected very much to Coelho’s words. It’s like I, myself, am trying to justify my existence by being as busy as possible, doing bigger, better things. But just because I CAN do more, doesn’t mean that I SHOULD. I sometimes feel that I owe it to the world to be really busy and become something huge, because I have been blessed to be born who I am, in the good life I have been born into, with the mind and passion that I possess to make the world a better place. However, I don’t need to justify all that I have been giving by driving myself mad with work. That was the way I used to think...until now. I realize that I fill each moment with work, to feel important, needed. But by doing that, I feel life has continued to pass me by, and I haven’t taken the time to spend with my family and friends and let them know how much I appreciate them. Being alone here with nothing to do has taught me this. A quiet day spend sitting in front of the TV with my family (something I used to HATE) is NOT a waste of time. Looking at those moments from my lonely perspective here, I realize that those moments with my family are among the most precious ones I had. I realize that I must take more time to just take things easy and enjoy life. Life is precious and it could end at any moment. If my life were to end right now, I would have so many regrets...things that I wanted to do but never ended up doing because I kept delaying it for later; how I wanted to tell my family and friends how much I love and appreciate them but never say it because I assume it to be implied, even though it is important to hear it; all the times I wanted to say thank you or sorry but never did because I had too much pride. So many thoughts encircle my head, about how I understand that I want to make my life different. Being here has helped me understand what it is that I really value.
On the other note, with the pictures, I realize that I often see the world through the lens of my camera, and not with my own eyes, just because I am so obsessed about capturing the moment so that I can look back on it later on, and also to show all my family and friends. But I realize that by doing that, I truly missed out on experiencing the moment for myself. And I can never capture a photograph or video that truly displays the glory of the moment. I kept this in mind on the train on the way back to Strasbourg. Instead of groping around with my camera, trying to get that perfect shot (an impossible feat – a camera lens could never justify that which the eye can behold), I stopped peeking at the world through the lens of my camera and chose to open up my eyes and live the moment...SOLELY FOR MYSELF. I left nothing to show anyone, because I need to experience it for myself, and the memories will be imprinted on my mind. I want to actually live my adventures, instead of being obsessed about taking pictures to show everyone.
While heeding this advice on the way home, I saw many spectacular views. I saw quaint little towns tucked in the corner of a valley, huge green pastures, elderly couples strolling, enjoying the day, forts and castles. But words can do them no justice. You will just have to see it for yourself, dear reader.
Anyway, so I really enjoyed the ride back for myself. I was supposed to get off at Kehl, the town on the German side of the border, although the train continued onto Strasbourg. I was really tempted to just stay on the train until Strasbourg which would have been much more convenient, and I didn’t think anyone would come check my ticket in the short 5 minute ride, but I didn’t want to take the risk so I just got off in Kehl. I headed home and basically bummed around for a few hours, and then got ready to go out again. My school was hosting a welcome dinner for all the exchange students, so I headed out for that. The meal consisted of tarte flambees and beer. Lovely.
And then I came home and called it a night in my own sweet, lovely bed! As much as I had enjoyed spending time in Germany with the family, I realize that I had gotten used to living on my own and doing my own thing. It is difficult to be a guest in someone’s home for long periods of time because you are always being catered too and can’t do your own thing and its kinda weird. As hospitable as they were, it was nice to be back home and sleep in my bed and not have to worry about waking up early or appearing presentable at all time. Life is good!
I passed the time on the train reading Paulo Coelho and doing a lot of thinking. I read a short story of his about a character named Manuel. Reading this really got me thinking about many things. Below are some important parts of that story:
“Manuel needs to be busy. If he is not, he thinks that his life has no meaning, that he’s wasting his time, that society no longer needs him, that no one loves or wants him”. After reading about his long, busy day... “That night, Manuel has a dream. An angel asks him, ‘Why are you doing this?’ He replies that it’s because he is a responsible man. The angel goes on, ‘Would you be capable of taking at least fifteen minutes of your day to stop and look at the world, and at yourself, and simply do nothing?’ Manuel says that he would love to do that, but he doesn’t have time. ‘You’re lying to me,’ says the angel. ‘Everyone has time to do that. It’s just that they don’t have the courage. Work is a blessing when it helps us to think about what we’re doing; but it becomes a curse when its sole use is to stop us thinking about the meaning of our life.’
Manuel wakes up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. Courage? How can a man who sacrifices himself for his family not have the courage to stop for fifteen minutes a day? It’s best to go back to sleep. It was just a dream; these questions will get him nowhere; and tomorrow he’s going to be very, very busy.
Thirty years later, Manuel retires and finally gets all the free time he’s wanted all his life.
“Manuel has time, all the time in the world. He travels...he visits museums...he takes hundreds and thousands of photos and sends them to his friends – after all, they need to know how happy he is...In a moment of genuine reflection, he discovers that all he saw on his journeys was the landscape outside the tourist bus, and monuments which are now preserved in various 6 x 9 photos. But the truth is, he did not feel any real excitement – he was more concerned with telling his friends about it than with actually experiencing the magic of being in a foreign country.”
There is another reflection the Coelho writes about, where one day he finished everything he had to do early and was left with absolutely nothing to do.
“I feel uneasy. Shouldn’t I be doing something? Well, if I wanted to invent work, that wouldn’t take much effort. We all have projects to develop, light bulbs to change, leaves to sweep, books to put away, computer files to organize. But how about just facing up to the void? ... I sit down and start making a mental list of what is going on through my head:
a) I’m useless. Everyone else at that moment is busy, working hard.
Answer: I work hard too, sometimes twelve hours a day. Today I just happen to have nothing to do.
b) I have no friends. Here I am, one of the most famous writers in the world, and I’m all alone; even the phone doesn’t ring.
Answer: Of course I have friends, but they respect my need for solitude.
c) I need to go buy some glue. Yes, I just remembered that yesterday I ran out of glue. Why not jump in the car and go to the nearest town? And I stop at that thought. Why is it so difficult to stay as I am now, doing nothing?
A series of thoughts cross my mind: friends who worry about things that haven’t yet happened; acquaintances who manage to fill every minute of their lives with tasks that seem to me absurd; senseless conversations; long telephone calls in which nothing of any importance is ever said; bosses who invent work in order to justify their jobs; officials who feel afraid because they have been given nothing important to do that day, which might mean that they are no longer useful; mothers who torment themselves because their children have gone out for the evening; students who torment themselves over their studies, over tests and exams.
I have a long, hard struggle with myself not to get up and go to the stationery shop to buy that glue. I experience terrible feelings of anxiety, but I am determined to stay here doing nothing, at least for a few hours. Gradually, the anxiety gives way to contemplation, and I start to listen to my soul. It has been longing to speak to me, but I’m always too busy.
The wind is still blowing very hard, and I know that it’s cold and rainy, and that tomorrow I might perhaps need to buy some glue. I’m not doing anything, and yet I’m also doing the most important thing a man can do: I’m listening to what I needed to hear from myself."
First, I will reflect on the whole issue of keeping oneself busy all the time. I connected very much to Coelho’s words. It’s like I, myself, am trying to justify my existence by being as busy as possible, doing bigger, better things. But just because I CAN do more, doesn’t mean that I SHOULD. I sometimes feel that I owe it to the world to be really busy and become something huge, because I have been blessed to be born who I am, in the good life I have been born into, with the mind and passion that I possess to make the world a better place. However, I don’t need to justify all that I have been giving by driving myself mad with work. That was the way I used to think...until now. I realize that I fill each moment with work, to feel important, needed. But by doing that, I feel life has continued to pass me by, and I haven’t taken the time to spend with my family and friends and let them know how much I appreciate them. Being alone here with nothing to do has taught me this. A quiet day spend sitting in front of the TV with my family (something I used to HATE) is NOT a waste of time. Looking at those moments from my lonely perspective here, I realize that those moments with my family are among the most precious ones I had. I realize that I must take more time to just take things easy and enjoy life. Life is precious and it could end at any moment. If my life were to end right now, I would have so many regrets...things that I wanted to do but never ended up doing because I kept delaying it for later; how I wanted to tell my family and friends how much I love and appreciate them but never say it because I assume it to be implied, even though it is important to hear it; all the times I wanted to say thank you or sorry but never did because I had too much pride. So many thoughts encircle my head, about how I understand that I want to make my life different. Being here has helped me understand what it is that I really value.
On the other note, with the pictures, I realize that I often see the world through the lens of my camera, and not with my own eyes, just because I am so obsessed about capturing the moment so that I can look back on it later on, and also to show all my family and friends. But I realize that by doing that, I truly missed out on experiencing the moment for myself. And I can never capture a photograph or video that truly displays the glory of the moment. I kept this in mind on the train on the way back to Strasbourg. Instead of groping around with my camera, trying to get that perfect shot (an impossible feat – a camera lens could never justify that which the eye can behold), I stopped peeking at the world through the lens of my camera and chose to open up my eyes and live the moment...SOLELY FOR MYSELF. I left nothing to show anyone, because I need to experience it for myself, and the memories will be imprinted on my mind. I want to actually live my adventures, instead of being obsessed about taking pictures to show everyone.
While heeding this advice on the way home, I saw many spectacular views. I saw quaint little towns tucked in the corner of a valley, huge green pastures, elderly couples strolling, enjoying the day, forts and castles. But words can do them no justice. You will just have to see it for yourself, dear reader.
Anyway, so I really enjoyed the ride back for myself. I was supposed to get off at Kehl, the town on the German side of the border, although the train continued onto Strasbourg. I was really tempted to just stay on the train until Strasbourg which would have been much more convenient, and I didn’t think anyone would come check my ticket in the short 5 minute ride, but I didn’t want to take the risk so I just got off in Kehl. I headed home and basically bummed around for a few hours, and then got ready to go out again. My school was hosting a welcome dinner for all the exchange students, so I headed out for that. The meal consisted of tarte flambees and beer. Lovely.
And then I came home and called it a night in my own sweet, lovely bed! As much as I had enjoyed spending time in Germany with the family, I realize that I had gotten used to living on my own and doing my own thing. It is difficult to be a guest in someone’s home for long periods of time because you are always being catered too and can’t do your own thing and its kinda weird. As hospitable as they were, it was nice to be back home and sleep in my bed and not have to worry about waking up early or appearing presentable at all time. Life is good!
January 27, 2008
I spent the morning bumming around. Nadia had a project that she was working on with her friend, so Sarah took me out to see the town again. This time I was armed with my camera and went nuts in the Basilica. Sarah was very nice to talk to. Both girls are just so friendly and nice, and that made me feel much more comfortable during my stay. Since it was Sunday, nearly everything was closed so there wasn’t much to do, but in the evening Sarah and Nadia took me to go play pool. I haven’t played pool in ages, and it is usually something I do with my very close friends at home, so it was quite nostalgic for me. However, we all had a really nice time. At night, I said goodbye to Sarah and Nadia since they were going to be at school at the time that I was going to be heading back home.
January 26, 2008
Today was a Saturday, so we woke up and uncle took me and Nadia to Austria! It was only a 40 minute drive away, and we just nonchalantly drove over the border and went to the quaint town of Bregenz, which sits on the Bondensee. It was very very very beautiful. It reminded me a bit of Lake Como in Italy (or what I’ve seen of it in pictures). It wasn’t too chilly outside. I can only imagine how beautiful it must be in the summer. Right beside the sea there was a small mountain, and more continued into the distance. I saw some people hang-gliding off the mountain, which looked awesome! I realized that I would love to live in a place that is both beside a body of water and by mountains. But at the very least, I need to be by a body of water. I would hate to live in a landlocked place. On the way back, we stopped by McDonalds again. There goes any hope of me losing weight here.
At night, Sarah came back home from her health check-up in Stuttgart. We spent the evening watching TV, and then I was chatting with Sarah and got to know her better too.
January 25, 2008
Although I was told to wake up whenever I wanted, I woke up around nine because it would be rude to snooze late while a guest in someone’s home. Nadia was at school, so I bummed around and then uncle took me to go grocery shopping at this local Turkish store that sold halal meat and stuff. Later on in the day, he took me to show me around the town, Weingarten. It’s a very small town, and the downtown area was seen in a short 10 minute walk. The fact that it was such a small town was reaffirmed because while walking around, we were stopped every 2 minutes by uncle acquaintances. He took me to go see the great Basilica in Weingarten, which was absolutely gorgeous! I didn’t have my camera on me, but I swore to come back and see it.
Afterward, he took me to the gym where Nadia was having her gymnastics trampoline practice. It was really cool to watch them flying through the air like that, and it looked like SO much fun. I was invited to give it a shot, but I wasn’t feeling too well so I had to opt out, even though I wanted to go on it SO badly. We spent the evening chilling at home. Uncle cooked yummy desi food and it was nice to have that after so long. We sat there watching TV but it was all in German, but it was still a pleasant evening spent just chilling at home. Nadia and I watched a few episodes of her favorite show, the Gilmore Girls (which I am starting to really love now too!!) and she taught me how to play Backgammon. It was nice.
Afterward, he took me to the gym where Nadia was having her gymnastics trampoline practice. It was really cool to watch them flying through the air like that, and it looked like SO much fun. I was invited to give it a shot, but I wasn’t feeling too well so I had to opt out, even though I wanted to go on it SO badly. We spent the evening chilling at home. Uncle cooked yummy desi food and it was nice to have that after so long. We sat there watching TV but it was all in German, but it was still a pleasant evening spent just chilling at home. Nadia and I watched a few episodes of her favorite show, the Gilmore Girls (which I am starting to really love now too!!) and she taught me how to play Backgammon. It was nice.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
January 24, 2008
Since I slept so late the night before, I decided to skip my morning Nonprofit management class and sleep. I woke up and quickly got ready, but that was oneeee hectic morning! I was running late, so I quickly left the building and caught a tram to my next location, which was the stop for the bus that would take me to Germany. I left my house at like 12:45 for the train I had to catch at 1:30. I was taking the train from Kehl, the town in Germany across the border. It was only like 30 minutes away by bike, but I didn’t know how often the buses would come. When I reached the bus stop, I didn’t see any buses so I wandered around for like 10 minutes, getting extremely sweaty and stressed. Finally, I saw the bus come, so I stood and the stop...and watched the bus go right by. I had been standing at the wrong stop, and the bus turned left at the intersection and stopped there. Now, if I didn’t catch this bus, I would most certainly miss my train, which would have caused an avalanche of problems. I was a burning ball of stress. Usually, back home, I never run for buses, because I can’t stand the embarrassment of chasing a bus down like a loser, only to have the bastard driver pull away right when you reach the bus. However, this was not a moment to have pride. I grabbed my little bag with the handle and wheels , and ran like I never ran before, right through a green light intersection...it is a miracle I didn’t get hit! The driver was closing the door as I ran up, but luckily he was nice and opened it for me. The whole bus was staring at me, this random brown girl gasping and sputtering as if I had just ran a marathon. But I had made it! A few minutes later, I had to get off the bus and switch to the final bus that would take me to my destination. I only had 20 minutes left until my train left. If the next bus was going to take long, I was screwed. Luckily, the second bus came just 2 minutes after I arrived at the stop. God was happy with me! I arrived at the Kehl train station, relaxed and calm (and cold, it was chilly outside).
I caught my train, and settled in for the ride. I was going to be taking 3 trains. My first transfer came in Offenburg, and I had 7 short minutes to get on the platform to catch my next train. I thought it would be complicated, but it was actually very easy to navigate. I stood on the platform waiting, and decided to double-check my ticket, when I realized that I had seen the wrong number Gleis (track/platform in German) due to my dyslexia with numbers, and quickly scrambled to the right Gleis, but I made it on time. The ride from Offenburg to Singen was lovely. I sat there, listening to classical masterpieces on my MP3, taking pictures and videos of the scenery around me. There was a group of girls about my age speaking in English; they appeared to be backpacking. If I was more sociable, I could have approached them and hung out with them for the duration of the ride, but of course, being the antisocial person I am, opted to hang out by myself and just enjoy the ride, which I did immensely.
After getting off in Singen, I awaited my last train. A sign indicated that it was going to be 30 minutes late. I spent my time, sitting there watching a young family. A young husband and wife, with a young boy, a toddler girl, and an infant. It was very pleasant watching them interact (I love people watching!). Is it creepy that I was thinking that the little boy and girl were going to be very good looking when they grow up, because their parents were good looking and you could already tell by the childrens’ features that they would be good looking? I’m such a freak.
A train arrived, and this was an old train. The newer trains usually have an ticker on the side, indicating their destination, but the old ones don’t, so you have to know the number and ‘brand’ of the train. I was really confused because I wasn’t sure if this was the right train or not, and I didn’t see anyone I could ask. Finally, I decided not to because I didn’t think it was my train. My intuition was right because my train came a few minutes later. I shudder to think about what could have happened if I had gotten on the wrong train in Germany. However, the first 15 minutes or so, I still wasn’t sure I was on the right train, so I was very stressed. There was a map of the region in the train, so after a few stops, I checked the map and noted that the places we stopped at were right along the route leading to Ravensburg, which allowed me to breathe easier.
The train from Singen to Ravensburg went along the Bondensee (otherwise known as Lake Constance), which was one of the most breathtaking scenes I have ever seen. Everything looked so perfect and magical. The water was not frozen, but it was absolutely still, so it reflected a mirror image of the sky and the mountains in the background across from me (which I now realize, was actually Switzerland!). Check out my video on youtube to get an idea of the scenery I saw. But a video can’t capture even a fraction of what it was actually like. You just have to experience the moment. The way the train was moving, it felt like I was flying beside the beautiful sea.
Finally, I arrived, an hour after I was supposed to, in Ravensburg. I stepped off the train. It was not difficult to spot the only brown guy in the station – I spotted him immediately. I was introduced to my dad’s childhood friend, who from this point on, will be known as Uncle (in true desi form!). He introduced me to his daughter Sarah, who is on the German Olympic gymnastics team, and was leaving for Stuttgart in a few minutes to undergo a medical check-up. She was to return in a few days. Then Nadia, the other daughter arrived. We saw Sarah off, and then all headed back. We stopped by McDonalds’ drivethrough for a snack, and went home. I met Uncle’s German wife, who was nice. We chilled and Uncle made a lovely brown dinner. It was nice to sit on a comfy couch and eat brown food. The girls are 19. They learn English in school but don’t really get to use it much in real life. I chatted with Nadia for a while, and then finally called it a night.
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